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Glenn Miller’s death plane, Robert Durst’s cannibal appetites, and exploding heads in this week’s dubious tabloids / Boing Boing

Michael Jackson is alive, Elvis is haunting Wayne Newton, and Sean Hannity’s secrets are revealed, in this week’s dubious tabloids / Boing Boing

There are hint parts of details in lots of this week’s tabloids tales, however that hasn’t stopped the rags’ alchemists from spinning gold out of those barely-detectable sub-atomic particles.

George Clooney and spouse Amal have bought an property on the Italian isle of Sardinia, however as a result of she’s there with their twins and George is away, the Nationwide Enquirer cowl story proclaims: “Clooney Divorce Explodes – Amal Strikes Out!” She has reportedly “fled their marital house in England” and “livid George has begged Amal to return again.” Besides Clooney isn’t in England. He has been working in Los Angeles, as probably the most cursory investigation would have informed the Enquirer. But when Amal is in Sardinia and George isn’t there, they have to be getting divorced. Proper?

“Glenn Miller Dying Aircraft Discovered!” stories the Globe. Nicely, not precisely. The unidentified wreckage of a WWII-era aircraft was discovered off the south coast of England. So the Globe figures this have to be the large band chief’s aircraft, as a result of no different planes went down within the sea throughout WWII, did they?

Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton is the goal of terrorists as “ISIS Crops Poison in Kate’s Grocery Retailer,” claims the Globe. Or no less than, a submit on an extremist web site advised that somebody ought to poison her groceries, which suggests it’s nearly as good as occurred.

Jennifer Aniston is adopting a child woman from a Mexican orphanage, the Globe studies beneath the completely happy headline: “Jen Aniston’s Mother At Final!” Apparently she has made a donation to a Mexican orphanage, so it stands to cause she have to be taking one of many youngsters residence. Don’t you get one free baby for each $10,000 you donate?

The gloved one’s daughter Paris Jackson is “in rehab over Jacko pedo movie!” claims the Enquirer. Sure, the 20-year-old has confirmed that she is taking a while off “to prioritize her bodily and emotional well being,” and for the Enquirer that may solely imply one factor: she’s devastated by the brand new documentary Leaving Neverland, which probes allegations of kid intercourse abuse towards her father Michael Jackson. The Globe apparently thinks that’s surprising information for Paris, who clearly has by no means heard such allegations earlier than. Proper.

After which in fact the tabloids convey us a number of tales which appear to lack even the faintest evanescence of a reality having as soon as been within the neighborhood. Accused killer Robert Durst “ate his sufferer,” claims an alleged pal hiding behind the pseudonym William Metal, in line with the Enquirer. Millionaire Durst allegedly advised his pal how he disposed of spouse Kathleen: “I tortured her, strangled her and ate her.” Sadly there’s no recipe included on this story.

Chanteuse Celine Dion will get the fantasy remedy from the Globe, which exhibits a photograph of the singer “slumped on a gurney in Las Vegas” beside the headline “Fears For Celine After Backstage Collapse!” In actuality, Dion had been dancing wildly at a Woman Gaga live performance, after which jokingly lay down on the gurney, to the delight of throughout her. She have to be so glad that the Globe has a humorousness and didn’t misread the playful photograph.

“Cash-hungry mistress chased Bezos from Day 1,” the Globe reviews about Lauren Sanchez, who is seemingly romancing the world’s wealthiest man, Amazon chief Jeff Bezos. Sanchez allegedly loved purchasing sprees when married to considered one of Hollywood’s wealthiest and most influential expertise brokers, Patrick Whitesell. Really surprising. Why wasn’t she sporting sackcloth and ashes like each different Beverly Hills spouse?

The Enquirer, reveling in lastly breaking a narrative which may simply be true, devotes virtually two pages to a self-congratulatory function cataloguing how the world’s media adopted up on its story final week about Bezos’s affair with Sanchez. The Enquirer cowl additionally teases “The Bezos’ Secret Divorce File,” which unsurprisingly tells us nothing new apart from including a timeline to the painfully sophomoric mash notes Bezos allegedly texted Sanchez, suggesting that their crush heated up as early as April 2018, and never within the fall of 2018 after Bezos and Sanchez cut up from their respective spouses, because the Amazon honcho claims.

Branding Meghan Markle “probably the most hated member of the royal household,” the Globe cowl story proclaims: “Charles tells Harry: Meghan Should Go!” The Globe claims to have uncovered a “hush-hush” e-mail despatched by a member of the Queen’s internal circle to the royal household and courtiers, stating that “Duchess Meghan is a horror” and a “most cancers” that have to be “minimize out” of the royal household. After years of reporting with little question 100% accuracy on personal conversations in Buckingham Palace between the Queen and her household, it stands to purpose that the Globe now has entry to Palace emails. Let’s hope the Pulitzer committee is paying consideration.

Sadly, the royal household could also be caught with Meghan for some time longer as her “hen-pecked” husband Prince Harry has dug in his heels and stated a divorce “will solely occur over my lifeless physique!” Perhaps if he learn the Globe somewhat extra intently he wouldn’t say such issues.

Did Us journal secretly settle a lawsuit filed by the Church of Scientology? If not, it’s arduous to elucidate this week’s sycophantic cowl story on John Travolta and spouse Kelly Preston: “Love, Loss & Scientology.” It’s a disturbingly mild puff piece that promotes Scientology’s nice profit to their lives, but skirts over questions of his sexuality and the insidious nature of this controversial cult, and nonetheless manages to inform us nothing new. One can solely marvel on the credulity of Travolta who explains that after the tragic unintentional dying of his 16-year-old son a decade in the past, “The church by no means left our sides for 2 years. I don’t know if I might have made it by way of with out their help.” That’s heart-warming certainly, but when Travolta imagines that the Church of Scientology devotes its employees and assets for 2 years to anybody else within the cult whose identify isn’t Tom Cruise, he’s much more gullible than he seems.

Individuals journal brings us the feel-good story of “Oprah’s Daughters,” who in fact are usually not the fruit of her loins, however the college students on the South African faculty she sponsors. The women “are greater than college students – they’re household,” reviews the magazine. Positive, they’re household – however simply watch how briskly the door slams of their face in the event that they attempt to flip up at her residence for Thanksgiving dinner.

Fortuitously we’ve got the crack investigative workforce at Us journal to inform us that Mariah Carey wore it greatest (there’s a primary), that Marcia Homosexual Harden “can blow a piercing whistle from an acorn shell,” that Gray’s Anatomy star Kelly McCreary carries Aleve hand cream and lip balm in her Clare V bag, and that the celebs are identical to us: they get takeout, drink espresso, purchase bread and carry their groceries. Do these stars ever cease consuming?

The Nationwide Examiner as all the time brings us information we will use, promising readers that they will “Drop 10 lbs on popcorn weight loss plan.” Clearly they’ve by no means had Growth Chicka Pop’s “Darkish Chocolaty Drizzled Sea Salt Kettle Corn,” at 840 energy per 168 grams.
Simply in case Examiner readers didn’t get the well being ’n’ health message, it brings us one other article warning of the “hidden risks” of what most individuals think about wholesome meals: “Salads . . . fish & nuts can flip lethal.” Higher keep on with an all-popcorn food regimen if you wish to reside.

In a ultimate phrase of useful recommendation, the Examiner tells readers, “Don’t lose sleep over your exploding head!” A brand new medical research apparently claims that nearly one in seven People are woken from sleep by imagined sounds of their head exploding. “Your head is in no hazard,” provides the rag. Nicely, that’s reassuring, coming from the medical specialists on the Examiner.

Onwards and downwards . . .

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